Where do I start? Just writing your names… WOW!
It awakens my feelings for you so much more and makes you seem even more real to me. I miss holding you so much. I can picture you Maria with dark curls like your dad and a round smiling face, and Michael, I see you with your blond hair and fair and gentle spirit. Both of you filled with kindness and warmth.
For years I avoided thinking of you both as the pain was too great. But Jesus in His Mercy would not let me forget you and for that I am forever grateful. I know it was His Hand that guided me to Project Rachel for healing, to rid myself of the feelings of shame and guilt and pain so that I could finally connect with you in love. I want you both to know that for all those years I didn’t connect with you that it wasn‘t because I didn’t love you but because I thought you could never forgive me for what I did or believe that I love you and because I couldn’t forgive myself.
But I need you to know that I do love you with all my heart, in the same way and with the same emotions that I love my children here on earth. And that I am so, so sorry for my actions, which were born of desperation and selfishness and a lack of understanding at the time.
You never got to live out your lives here on earth as God planned because of me but I know you are with Jesus. I picture you being carried to Heaven by your Guardian Angels and I believe God has a special place in Heaven for you both and that thought, despite my sorrow, gives me peace and the confidence that you have forgiven me too. I don’t know what Heaven is like but I know that you feel only joy there in the arms of Jesus and Mary. I pray that we will meet some day, that I will get to hold you and hug you as I yearn to do and you will feel a mother’s love.
You have a family here on earth whom I love with all my heart. I know you pray for them from Heaven. They would love you too.
I know that God in His Great Mercy has forgiven me and I must continually remind myself of that so that I can continue to work on forgiving myself. That way I can be the person He wants me to be and give back to others as He and you both would want me to.
I love you and miss you both. Please pray for me and your dad and siblings here on earth that we will meet you again in Heaven. God Bless.
With all my love — your Mom XOXOXO.
(a Project Rachel woman from the 2013/14 healing support group)