My dearest son, Kyle Ralph, my KR,
Where do I begin? I talk with you frequently but it has been a long while since I have written to you. I wrote you a letter over 15 years ago when I was nearing the end of journeying through Project Rachel but I no longer have access to that and cannot remember what I wrote to you. I have healed more since then and was inspired to write to you again. Perhaps it would be good to write to you more regularly, maybe yearly when I celebrate what might have been your birthday. Yes, that’s what I will do. This will help me to actively acknowledge the gift that you continue to be in my life.
Much of what I have to say I have already told you in my heart but it is good to write it down and get it out. I am so sorry for choosing to abort you. I was deceived by the medical system when they told me that you were just a blob of tissue and that it wasn’t wrong to abort you. Deep down it didn’t sit right with me but I allowed myself to be deceived and went along with it out of fear and shame. It was the worst mistake of my life. Oh the pain I caused you, Jesus, myself, and what loss loosing you has been to me, our family, those who will never know you in this lifetime. At that time I believed lies, held unforgiveness, was blind and closed my mind and heart to possibilities. It’s my most grievous fault. If I knew then what I know now, I would have chosen life for you but I cannot right the wrong. Claiming and naming you has only been made possible by accepting Jesus’ mercy, for which I am eternally grateful. This is how I have found healing and hope.
I thank God for drawing me to Project Rachel for healing and for reuniting me with you in my heart. You, no doubt, had a hand in praying for that, my son. Please thank Our Lord for permitting me to hear you laugh that day in the car after I had more fully claimed you, and after I had opened my heart up to a relationship with you. I heard the beauty of your laugh and felt the love and forgiveness that you have for me in my soul. Oh my son, my KR, how I love and miss you. How I thank Jesus for the gift of your life, for how you have drawn me into deeper relationship with Jesus, and deeper into His Divine Mercy. Thank you for forgiving me and for loving me my son, my KR.
I think of you often. When someone asks me how many children I have, I now have the courage to say that I have one in heaven and then I tell them about your siblings. You are with us at Christmas time when we decorate our tree and especially when we hang the family ornament with your name on it. You are with me at one of my favourite spots to visit. I will never forget the time you came to me there in prayer, how you ran to me, lifted me up and hugged me while swinging me around. I experienced your loving presence again, and this time, your strength, passion and playfulness flooded my heart and soul. It’s like you knew what I needed better than I did. You and Jesus knew that I needed that embrace desperately. Oh how I loved that time with you and how I hold onto that moment. That place is now our place, marked by your presence in my mind, memory, heart and soul. How I long to experience you and be with you face-to-face. A glimpse of heaven is what that was. Some sweet day it will be so for ever.
Until that day comes, I have much to do. I have been spending lots of time remembering and honouring you. Every time I pray for a culture of life and every time I engage in pro-life work, it is with you in mind, to let the world know that your life still matters, to proclaim the truth about life so that others are not deceived, in hopes of protecting them and their dear babies. You are with me through it all KR.
I miss you my son and I grieve you but it is not as one who grieves without hope. My hope is in Jesus. You didn’t get to participate in the sacraments but you have been consecrated to Jesus through the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. I know that you are with Jesus and that one day I will be with you and Our Triune God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, Lord for ever and ever. It is a day that I long for.
You will forever be a gift to me and a reminder of how God redeems and restores those who have faith and trust in Him. Until the sweet day that I see you in heaven, I will hold you with so much love and tenderness in my heart. Pray for me that I can fight the good fight until the very end, finish the race strong, and run with joy into the arms of Jesus and Our Blessed Mother, and into your arms. Pray this for all our dear loved ones and all the world. Thank you for your prayers. The prayers of the innocent are powerful as are those of the saints. Since you are now in communion with them, please ask them to pray for us too.
I will see you in the Eucharist my dear son, my KR. Until then, we remain united in-Him now and always.
All my love, mom