This is my first time speaking/writing to you and it is extremely emotional for me. I realized I need to talk to you and I have finally found the courage to do so.
Let me begin with the most important thing I need you to know and remember always. I love you. I didn’t realize how much I loved you until I lost you. I made a horrible decision that not only affected me and your father, but also you. I failed to allow you to have the gift of life here on earth, for selfish reasons.
I was so scared. Not scared of being pregnant with you, but scared of how your grandparents would react.
I am so young. Your dad and I are trying to get through school, and I can hardly support myself with a part-time job.
But those were all excuses.
Instead of dwelling on excuses, I wish I could have spent that time searching for strength and support to allow me to bring you into this world.
The last thing I wanted to be was a disappointment to my family, and only when it was too late did I realize the family member I may have disappointed the most was you. I failed to own up to my responsibilities of being a mother, but at that time I just felt so hopeless.
For those short 9 weeks a bond formed between us, and within the past couple of months I have been feeling my bond with you grow, even though we are not physically together.
You are on my mind every day. I think of how I would have been 7 months pregnant with you by now, how much you would have grown, and what could have been.
June 16th has been on my mind and always will be as that was your due date. But you have already been born. You have been born into eternal life with God in Heaven. I don’t know how to feel about it besides emotional. June 16th will always be your special day and I promise I will find the strength to celebrate your eternal life.
I cannot physically be a mother to you and that hurts me beyond belief. I find comfort knowing you are safe with God and all the angels in heaven. Just like your great-grandparents, you are my guardian angel now too. I am sure you have met them and they have been nothing but the best to you.
You have, and always will be, a blessing to me. I wish I could tell everyone I have a son and not keep you a secret.
I can’t express how sorry I am for hurting you and allowing someone to take you away from me.
No matter what, I will always be your mother. I always feel like no matter what, I am missing a part of me. That part of me missing is you. I would give anything to be able to hold you and kiss you, hear you cry and care for you like a mother should.
But again, I can’t physically be a mother to you. Spiritually I can. Spiritually we will unite, God will not keep us apart from each other. You will always be in my heart and have a piece of my heart. Luca, you are my child and as your mother I promise nobody will ever replace you or change my feelings for you.
I pray that you will always love me, see past my mistakes and know that I always love you.
I may have abandoned you once, but never again. We will meet someday, but until then, I put my trust in God to take care of you and pray you continue to be mine and your father’s little guardian angel watching over us.
The loss of you weighs very heavy on our hearts and just know if we could go back in time we would.
You will always be our little boy. I don’t feel the need to tell you about what I would like the future to be because regardless I know you will be present spiritually in our lives everyday and I find great comfort in that you will be with me and your dad every step we take.
I hope this helps you understand I only wanted the best for both of us, but it turned out to be the wrong thing to do. I am hurt and healing and I just hope you can stay by my side and allow me to be a spiritual mother to you. I love you forever Luca. Love, mommy
(a PR woman from 2013)
(You can read more of Luca’s mom’s healing in our Project Rachel brochure “Our honesty and His Healing”.)